I think it’s safe to say at this point that I’m willing to protect you if anything happens.

Now THIS was a confession Aku liked to hear.

“Your loyalty is most valuable, my friend. If you were not cloaked in anonymity, I would send my highest praises and honor you personally.”

What? What’s wrong with bows? … Are you… You’re not afraid of them, are you? That can’t be right…. But what else could it be….

“Do I look like an innocent little girl child to you?”

I think you would look really good with glittery black bows on your horns.

“…Try it and I will smite you.”

Now you gotta defend a small vulnerable village from a monster or something

“Wait, I have a better idea…”

He tore apart his gi, completely exposing his upper half.

“Behold! I am BUSHIDO-LICIOUS!”

Smacks Samurai Aku with a newspaper No, bad. Bad Aku.

Samurai Aku bared his fangs and snarled like an angry tiger. But he quickly regained his composure and scolded the anon mildly.

“…How rude.”

Well I mean… Close enough.

“Got to get back. Back to the past. Samurai Jack!”

The colors might be off but the voice impersonation was positively spot on. Even Jack himself wouldn’t be able to hear the difference. He bared his fangs then and turned his head a full 360 degrees complete with a sickening crack. Aku’s voice returned again as he burst into obscene laughter.

“AH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!”

DID YOU KNO: If you stop being evil and cruel, the samurai might stop trying to kill you, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, more people will like you and be more likely to attend your funeral!

“So, what you are saying is become someone nicer. Or perhaps… I should become someone completely different.”

He began to morph then, his form losing its shape as it shrunk down to a much more human size. When the shift was complete, what stood in Aku’s place was a near perfect replica of Samurai Jack.

The colors were a bit off, of course: his skin was a light green, his gi was accented in red rather than purple, and the tips of his hooked fangs protruded from his lips. But overall it was a close match.

“Heh heh heh, what a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Wait… Aku’s alive!? Holy sh-” Anon takes down their party decorations as quickly as possible, silently panicking. It does not take them long to remember that they had also helped destroy a few of the so-called “tributes to Aku” that were placed around their town a few days ago. “Yep. I’m dead. We’re all dead. So, very, very dead.” The Anon goes to the fridge and opens a bottle of whiskey “Screw it, I’m going to drink until I pass out. Goodbye, cruel world”.

Aku watched sternly as the pitiful scene unfolded before him, neither moving nor blinking. Aside from the crackle of his flaming brows, all was deathly silent. When the hapless Anon retreated to the fridge, Aku bent to stare through the kitchen window, his enormous eye filling the entire frame.

One look was all it took to shatter the bottle into a thousand pieces just as the mortal was about to sip. Then things began to get a little hot — the fridge started to melt as did the floor and soon the kitchen was an inferno.

But Aku was not finished yet. With a twist of his finger, a tsunami of thick black tar gushed in through the door and windows and up from the ground itself. It easily captured its victim and dragged the anon out on their back to face a world drained of hope. Awaiting them outside was Aku’s monolithic presence, his gaze just as merciless as before.

“You will pay for your sins against Aku with your

Şͮ̒̄̋̔҉͎̞͕̤̩̦O̸̪̦͓̅ͩͭ̉ͣ̉͢Ŭ̵̻̠̮͖̰̖͈̇̅̾L̵̻̠̮͖̰̖͈̆̇̅̾

.”